


Imposter Syndrome

by drelfina



Series: The Konoha Performance Incentive [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Mind fuckery, Multi, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 16:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18594979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: Shisui has nightmares every time he sleeps in the Village.***





	Imposter Syndrome

Shisui has nightmares every time he sleeps in the Village.

It is inevitable, he can't help them, but he is fortunate that they are always the silent kind, even if he wakes up with his teeth grinding so hard that he's probably cracked a few molars each time. 

It's why he can't have any of those suicide pills - his teeth are basically a scaffold of chakra and dental composite now, even years after. 

Neither of his parents are alive now, so he has his own small set of rooms which the servants maintain while he's on missions. While everything is always left in exactly the same place every time he leaves and returns, it feels like a hotel for all the time he actually spends in it. 

His quarters had stopped feeling like his ever since he'd made chuunin. 

No. 

It wasn't quite then. 

It was a little after. 

The first time he met Shimura Danzo. 

*** 

Everytime Shisui comes home, his cousins greet him, but the relief that he sees on their expressions have faded over the years - and it's both a relief and crushing guilt. 

Because Shisui knows that the jounin who is protecting the Uchiha chuunin isn't him. 

*** 

Sometimes when Shisui is in between missions, Itachi is in the Village.

The times, he knows, actually numbers a high percentage. 

The Uchiha generally do not have great resilience and stamina; their Clan ninjutsu are top rate, taijutsu middling, but the Sharingan has a tendency to bleed out all energy and stamina if they have to use it. Compared to most of his clansmen, Shisui has a higher than average stamina and resilience, because he focuses mainly on the Body-flicker, avoiding the use of his sharingan unless absolutely necessary. He can also take quite a bit of damage - in the field, he's quite a reasonable amount better in stamina than Hatake Kakashi, their next bar of shinobi-excellence since he'd gotten Obito's Sharingan, and probably can outlast several Hyuuga.

Itachi, though, he's a thoroughbred. Lean, fast, and there is none in the village who can touch him for ninjutsu and speed. 

But he burns through that like a greyhound, all explosive speed and jutsu and he comes back from missions on the back of his teammates more often than not. 

He's the epitome of their Clan's pride and it hurts him to see his cousin. 

Because Itachi is in the Village far more often than Shisui is, and so he takes on the burden of protecting their Clan when Shisui should be the one sheltering his baby cousins. 

The lines in Itachi's face are probably there to stay, furrowed there by constant stress and exhaustion and Shisui should be the one taking on the role of protector. 

But he cannot stay in the Village. 

*** 

Itachi always makes a point of being there when Shisui returns from a mission, himself usually in various stages of chakra-exhaustion recovery. It's like looking at a painting, Itachi slender and almost slyph-like. 

Breakable.

Shisui tries to return the favour by going out with him around the rest of the Village. He doesn't know whether he should be proud that most jounin give Itachi a good respectable distance that they generally don't give Shisui alone. 

He knows the reputation that Itachi has of being equally quick with a blade as his ninjutsu. 

It was just the one time, though, that they were passing the market two blocks away from the Hokage tower and Itachi's step… hesitated. 

It was just a breath's pause, but Shisui'd noted the way he was full of tension, and how he'd had to steel himself. 

And passing ahead , talking to themselves, were Ebisu and Aoba. 

It had just been a minute hesitation. 

But Shisui knew this was his fault.

 

***

Shisui avoids the Hokage Tower when he can. It's easy enough - he's not ANBU, like his cousin is and can take missions from the mission-room. 

It's an annex to the Tower, yes, but it's not the tower. 

Sometimes when one of his cousins run the mission desk shift, they would pick up missions for him on his behalf. Yakumi and the others, know his preference, and as jounin, it's a privilege none question when he exercises it. 

He hopes that none of them will ever think to question why. 

***

Shisui never dreams of his kills. Or his missions. 

He knows that mission failures sometimes plague other shinobi, he's sat through enough watch-shifts not-listening to the choked breathing of teammates, that fallen comrades sometimes haunt them. 

He's cast enough genjutsu to hide screams from his teammates, and closed his ears to the unbidden pleas in the throes of their nightmares. 

But in the field, he sleeps like a baby. 

The untouchable, unbreakable Uchiha. 

*** 

His dreams while in his own bed aren't much. 

They're just desaturated. 

_"Are you using your sharingan? Good. Good boy."_

They're just very clear, sharp-edged. 

He usually can't even hear his own breathing. 

_"Keep them open, boy. Yes. Just like that."_

Nothing terrible actually happens in them. 

_"So beautiful. So talented, getting them early."_

They're just memories. 

_"Look at me."_

****

As jounin of the Uchiha, Shisui has many duties. 

He knows it. His reputation has to be impeccable, he has to protect the clan, first and foremost. He's supposed to support the Clan head. 

He is supposed to keep his clansmen safe.

But in the Village, he almost always wakes up choking on phantoms, and the words that could describe them stuck in the pit of his belly, a hard rock that weighed him down.

Every time he passes the Konoha River, he thinks how such a rock would pull him under. 

Keep him under. 

_"Look at that. It's like a river, isn't it?"_

He can't tell anyone. 

_"it's our secret isn't it, Shisui? Like still waters."_

He's a brittle shell of reputation and strength that no one can know hides so many secret shames. 

_"You're very good at secrets. Look at me."_

**Author's Note:**

> Danzo is a creepy mc-creep face. 
> 
> Shisui can never unsee whatever he's been made to see because he'd been FORCED to keep his sharingan open to record it all in exquisite visual detail. 
> 
> Lovely.


End file.
